I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
