my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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