Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
