so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
