If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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