Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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