Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i think i have herpe
just one?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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