How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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