WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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