proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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