She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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