she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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