Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize