i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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