if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
