I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
