If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
