Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
FUCK WHALES
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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