Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
you had me at cake vodka
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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