Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize