my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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