I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
