I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
