He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
