they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize