you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
