i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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