Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
