Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
