Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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