I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
