I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
