you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
