oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
