I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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