Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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