I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Who put my cat in the fridge?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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