Your dad touched me again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
