Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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