Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
