wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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