Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize