Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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