so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
