omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think my vagina is haunted
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
