the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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