I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
