Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize