i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
