??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize