I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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