after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
