By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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