I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize