I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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